friendship 101

friendships....

i had the lowest grade point average i have ever had in my life this past semester.
i would say that i was not so much in school for my Honours English degree, but for learning the meaning of friendship; learning how to act and react in diverse social situations and settings; learning the tendencies of my own heart when faced with certain people/personalities and circumstances. these things occupied the majority of my very distracted mind.

i hestitate to say that i passed the school of friendship at all--let alone with an "A". i am still learning so much more about this dynamic and complex subject day after day. i have had to let many of my preconceptions and pre-judgments (i guess they would be called prejudices) fall to the wayside. some of them came off only after much friction.

i don't know that i "know" anything more now than i did at the end of first semester, but i think i am able to sense more. i think i've learned to trust my intuition--the core one, and not trust the over-analysis my brain can sometimes append (append=add) to it's perceptions. i also think that i've learned a little bit more about how deep the effects of the Fall run in my veins. i have seen with new eyes just how sinful i can be.

motives in friendships--even in acquaintances and chance-meetings--are hard things to judge, let alone regulate (especially when you are in the throws of any given social situation). when i really search my heart (and by the grace of God am able to be honest with myself) after acting or responding in a certain way, i am often disturbed and even disgusted with my underlying, often (previously) subconscious, intentions.

on a similar note: women are manipulative creatures--manipulative. men--and moreso, boys--are often oblivious to this. (thanks to my best friend, dal, for pointing this out today). i apologize on behalf of my sex for this fact.

i apologize to all the men--er, boys--i have become friends with (and am in the process of becoming friends with) if ever any of my motives have been impure with you.

i am currently reading an enlightening book (Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge). here is an interesting passage:

"...The curse for Eve and all her daughters cannot be limited only to babies and marriage, for if that were true then every single woman without children gets to escape the curse. Not so. The meaning is deeper and the implications are for every daughter of Eve. Woman is cursed with loneliness (relational heartache), with the urge to control (especially her man), and with the dominance of men (which is not how things were meant to be and we are not saying it is a good thing--it is the fruit of the Fal and a sad fact of history)....Isn't it true? Aren't your deepest worries and heartaches relational--aren't they connected to someone? Even when things are good, is you vast capacity for intimacy ever filled in a lasting way? There is an emptiness in us that we continually try to feed. And can't you see how much you need to have things under your control--whether it's a project or a ministry or a marriage? Are you confortable trusting your well-being to someone else? And haven't you felt 'this is a man's world,' felt your vulnerability as a woman to be a liability? Most women hate their vulnerability. We are not inviting--we are guarded. Most of our energy is spent trying to hide our true selves, and control our worlds to have some sense of security."

controlling our worlds....hmmm...it's true that when i feel most in "control" of a situation, most control of my own feelings and aware of the feelings of those around me, i am able to have a relaxed and "free"-feeling time. strange paradox.

i long to be loved (as does every woman, whether she admits it or not). i want to be pursued; to be told and shown that i am worthy--worthy of love, that i am "captivating", that i have a beauty to unveil (more on how these things actually reveal a side of the character of God, later). male friends are only able to do/provide these things to a certain degree. i apologize if i've ever manipulated situations in an attempt to extract more (than is healthy) of these things from any of you.

it's funny how when you are least looking (or striving, more like it) for this type of reassurance, it comes in bountiful helpings. and other times, when you really pray with your whole heart for it, it comes in the most unexpected, Godly ways.

all i know is that i am truly thankful that God is able to work through my weakness and my sinfulness.

i guess a small expression of gratitude to my guy friends and acquaintances is in order, so to all of you: thank you. thank you for sticking it out with me (and for me). i am utterly unworthy of you all.