the biggie (appellated after the fact--and I`m using big words again; and look, it's not even a word--serves me right)

i am very frustrated with myself. i struggle with the same things over and again. has anyone ever heard of "indigo children"? probably not; especially if you're Christian. well, google it. i dare you. you'll see what has sparked yet another struggle with the same ol same ol daemons.

on a positive note: i've admitted my demons to someone who has struggled with the same. he is going to pray for my deliverance. i am seeking deliverance, cause i can't stand it anymore.

a new age friend of mine gave me an amber crystal the other day. his spirit guide told him to. amber draws creative spiritual energy to the bearer; it also draws love and beauty and connects the spiritual and physical realms. amber is chrystallized sap millions of years old. i was tempted to chuck it out the window on the way home from work, but i didn't. it's now sitting on my kitchen table. what am i to do?

if indigo children exist, they're either who they say they are, or they are possessed by demons.

do we brush off everything that appears true and contradictory to Christianity in mysticism/paganism/new ageism to the wayside and attribute it to demons?

i need prayer. if anyone reads this and has a true relationship with the true Christ, can you please pray for me? thank you.

i'm studying the occult sciences in the middle ages at oxford in the fall.

what was i thinking?

again and again and again....

kind of like the wheel of karma.

i like rich oosterhoff's (http://roosterhoff.blogspot.com) post on fidelity in marriage. i've committed spiritual idolatry (in thought, which according to Jesus is just as culpable) with new ageism/paganism, etc, etc. i need to be set free.

sometimes this infidelity arises from the fear that i've entered into binding covenant with Christ without experiencing anything else...without "testing the waters" of the relio-spiritual dating world. the brother i admitted my demons to said he sensed a lot of fear in me that i've chosen the wrong path (i would seek to extend the marriage/fidelity analogy here and posit that i have fear that i've chosen the wrong spiritual life partner; that i'm missing out on something better...more true, more romantic, more ideal).

it also stems from my right-brain orientation. should i even believe in that dual-hemisphere brain activity/ personality theory anymore? it ties in very nicely with all my temptations--as do all my interests, it seems.

sometimes i realize i'm going to oxford and i don't even like to read that much anymore. how do i think i'm going to be an academic. i've always had an affiliation for gifted children. i hate finding that another of my interests fits in perfectly to the new age worldview. new agies say that the "sensitive" ones can't focus on anything right now because we are in the midst of a major genetic evolutionary shift...the spiritual ones have to usher it in.

i don't have any wisdom teeth. i don't have any roots for wisdom teeth. i am never going to grow wisdom teeth. the strand has been removed from my DNA. i am a new breed of human.

tell me EVOLUTION IS NOT TRUE.

i couldn't focus at all last semester.

i thought i had adult ADHD.

my doctor thinks i'm bored and i'm not absorbing my vitamins properly.

i almost lost my faith in Christ.

i didn't believe in Him with my head anymore...the only thing left was a frayed thread on the corner of my heart. good thing the Shepherd was holding on tight, cause the sheep was heading straight for the wolfs' den...whole-HEADedly. that is why, joel haas, i don't trust my rationality. my rationality would rationalize that rationally Christianity is a BIG FAT LIE. but that's probably because i am daft.

good thing i'm not the one in control of my salvation.

good thing that's where the grace and mercy come in...and predestination, in a weird way. (please note: i do not think i am a full supporter of predestination--nor of arminianism--i am somewhere in between...if that's possible. it's probably more possible that i don't know enough about either of them. i have very limited understanding, do kindly remember.)

my greatest temptations: meditation; communion with spirits; communion with nature; arcane gnosis; connection to pagan roots; midnight revelries around fires; moon worship; godess worship; bisexuality; kama sutra; kundalini yoga; chanting; drum circles.

there you have it folks.

many would find those things overtly demonic, and downright SCARY.

welcome to my warped and twisted world.

there is part of me that wants to believe those tendencies are normative (that word is for the Groens that might read this...though i'm kind of hoping they won't...they are the polar opposite of me in many respects...perhaps why i like them so much). dave says he doesn't understand my struggles.

well...i don't blame you, dave. i am very messed up.

i am adulterous (or idolatrous) with pagan ideologies.

some are adulterous with their neighbour's spouse. some commit idolatry with humanism or consumerism.

i'm a sensationalist. i want to experience life at its fullest.

i know in my heart that Christ IS life...life at its VERY fullest...
but my head seeks to say otherwise.

i'm going to put my head to sleep soon. when i sleep i dream about wonderful things and my subconscious seems to know what's true.

the indigos would say that my subconscious is hooked up to their spiritual web/network.

i'm sick of indigos.

if i meet one (i prayed to meet one, i'll admit it)...

i don't know what i'll do.

maybe i'll call a groen or a joeleriffic....
or pray in tongues.

pray that i'll retain my sanity.

goodnight.