purchased back from the dead

Holy Holy Begotten Son of God
Ancient of Days!
You saved me; You raised me
You pulled me from the grave

"life is like a shooting star...we are lost and we are found, this phoenix rises up from the ground and all these wars are over..."

Jesus, thank you for meeting me in my apathy.
Who knew that coasting was ploy of the devil? I've been a "coasting" Christian for the last month and a bit (check out http://www.josiahb.blogspot.com/ Josiah Bokma does a great job of outlining what this means). I've known that something was wrong. I decided I'd rather know about God intellectually than know Him spiritually and personally. I was sick of "spirituality" and listening for God's still small voice; sick of praying; sick of meeting Him everyday in His Word. I believed my sensitivity to His Spirit perhaps was unfounded and that I had imagined it all.

I was wrong. I've been feeling a dull sense of "wrongness" this whole coasting period; like something deep and foundational was amok, but I refused to meet it directly. My life was good. I wasn't growing, but I wasn't going through any turmoil or spiritual upheaval. The devil seemed to be ignoring me. He was ignoring me because while you coast, you aren't a threat to his dark regime.

I have also been feeling that I don't really know who I am. I feel I am so pliable that my personality shifts to meet certain circumstances and situations. I've been more social in the past week and a half than I was probably in the whole of last semester. As I am an introverted person, I have felt off-balance--stretched, if you will ("like butter spread over too much bread"). I interpret the world through analyzation not so much rational (or mental), but emotional. Every situation and person I meet I gauge through "feeling". My emotions tend to be in a constant battle with my mind. This Sunday, my pastor said that too often the Church dimisses emotions; that because they go up and down, we've written them off as untrustworthy and secondary to reason. Jesus did not advocate this attitude. In fact, Jesus openly demonstrated emotions (Luke 19:41; 14:34; 17:13; 7:9; Matthew 9:36; Mark 6:6). Okay, so when and where do my sometimes overwhelming emotions fit into this complex life and world? I over-complex-ify things with them. Right now I just want to cut them out of my inner being. Or do I?

Tonight Jesus met my dorm powerfully in our devotions. Things hidden between relationships were brought to light and it feels {:-) like Christ is again the conscious LORD of our dorm. After sharing our weaknesses and struggles throughout the week, Adrienne and Jenni-Lyn pointed
out that my emotions can be both a blessing and a curse; both freeing and limiting. Jenni-Lyn said that they are definitely the best they can be when they are Christ's emotions. I want to feel what Christ feels, to see the world through Jesus' eyes. I suppose that's much easier said than done, but I'm sick of theorizing/hypothesizing in this Reformed world of ideals. Theo Plantinga says that Reformers so pride themselves on being non-dualistic that they are often blinded to the fact they are extremely dualistic. They spout beautiful phrases about redeeming all of creation and culture, but when it actually comes down to ACTING upon these theories, they (and I) fall sadly short.

I have also been feeling like the darkness is not only growing the world over, but prevailing, winning. This is a dread fear that comes only from one place (and it's not from Heaven). I am reading The Transcreation of the Bhagavad Gita and The Sermon on the Mount According to Vedanta for Asian Philosophy. They speak in lovely, "airy fairy" (as Jill would call it) terminology about non-dualism and union with the god-creation of which we all are a part. It's funny, because the Bhagavad Gita is Krishna's revelation of his true self to mankind (kind of like the Christian's New Testament which doesn't abolish the books of the Law, but rather fulfills and transcends them), but no where in it does he say that he loves human beings. In fact, we are told that we must transcend love and hate, good and evil, reason and feelings, male and female.

Jesus Christ came to earth because He loves each and every one of us. But just because He loves everyone doesn't mean that it's less special when He whispers His great love for you personally and individually. In fact, it's even greater. Somehow, in His infinite greatness, His undying mercy and unending love He is able to pour out all of it on me....and then all of it on you....all of it on the 7 year old boy abandoned in the Tsunami. He leaves nothing to spare in this outpouring. We can accept it, or not.

Satan does not love us. He may come to us sporting a new shining cloak and disguise, speaking sugary lies about enlightenment and god-consciousness, but he doesn't love us. In fact, he HATES us. He will do anything and everything in his power to deter us from Love.

O Christ, LORD of my life, I'm sorry that often when I feel angry, confused and depressed I turn not to your Love and Faithfulness, but to the father of lies and hate. I harbour thoughts and feelings in my heart that should never be allowed to enter. I listen to music of death, destruction and despair that leads nowhere but to the pit of death, destruction and despair. I'm so sorry.

Thank You for forgiveness.
I love You.

I love you Jenni-Lynn Nanninga
and you Adrienne Soutar
and Jill Hermansen
and Amanda Lammers.

Thank you for your friendship and your unconditional acceptance.

P.S. God has also recently been convicting me--in a NUMBER of ways--to pray for a number of people whom I have not really even been thinking about. We are in a war, after all, and the battle is for the hearts and minds of our loved ones. I have not been exercising my authority in Christ, or wearing the armour very well. Lindsay McPherson (whom I also love) is my official mentor--I just discovered today!--So I shall now be held accountable. Amen!