Black Soul
"O, my black soul," a poem by John Donne
O, my black soul, now thou art summoned
By sickness, Death's herald and champion;
Thou'rt like a pilgrim, which abroad hath done
Treason, and durst not turn to whence he's fled;
Or like a thief, which till death's doom be read,
Wisheth himself deliver'd from prison,
But damn'd and haled to execution,
Wisheth that still he might be imprisoned.
Yet grace, if thou repent, thou canst not lack;
But who shall give thee that grace to begin?
O, make thyself with holy mourning black,
And red with blushing, as thou art with sin;
Or wash thee in Christ's blood, which hath this might,
That being red, it dyes red souls to white.
This is how I feel right now.
Sick and black.
I feel I am never content. My soul is ever in turmoil. I get brief pauses of relief and then its back to bombardment. The enemy's troops batter me day and night. I cannot escape. How does one know which feelings/intuitions are from God, and which are from the devil (and/or my BLACK HEART)? I wish I had clear answers. Does everyone feel this way when they are at major crossroads in their life? I'm at the brink of a decision that will define the rest of my life.
Why do my ideals still haunt me? Are they idols? Or was I, am I, supposed to wait?
"Black Black Heart," a song by David Usher
Something ugly this way comes
Through my fingers sliding inside
All these blessings all these burns
I'm godless underneath your cover
Search for pleasure search for pain
In this world now I am undying
I unfurl my flag my nation helpless
Black black heart why would you offer more
Why would you make it easier on me to satisfy
I'm on fire I'm rotting to the core
I'm eating all your kings and queens
All your sex and your diamonds
As I begin to lose my grip
On these realities your sending
Taste your mind and taste your sex
I'm naked underneath your cover
Covers lie and we will bend and borrow
With the coming sign
The tide will take the sea will rise and time will rape
Black black heart why would you offer more
Why would you make it easier on me to satisfy
I'm on fire I'm rotting to the core
I'm eating all your kings and queens
All your sex and your diamonds
Black black heart why would you offer more
Why would you make it easier on me to satisfy
I'm on fire I'm rotting to the core
I'm eating all your kings and queens
All your sex and your diamonds
posted by Be at 09:24
7 Comments:
you should call me and we should go out for coffee because I think we, once again, relate incredibly closely on this subject. I love you and am praying for you.
yeah, i have the same thing...
and i have no idea what to do about it.
if you find out, i'd love to know.
Miss Faul,
I hope you don't mind me intruding, or for the following statements of thought I am about to make. But as at least one was invited by you, I shall procede.
Perhaps you have been introduced to the idea that sin itself is nothing. As in, a lack of good. A lack of anything really, as all that God made (and He made everything) is good. I've found this idea to be quite a comforting one this last semester in my studies at the local Christian college. And here is why:
Often times it seems that we, as Christians, run into these "black" periods of our lives. And they suck. Who knows what to trust? What should I feel? Can I trust what I feel? How do I know where these feelings are coming from? Et cetera. Hard questions, but not impossible ones.
If God made everything, then what we experience, even the unhappy and confusing circimstances are from Him. (This sounds like a really watery evangelical sermon, but stick with me, eh?) That means that nothing, not one thing, or aspect of what we actually experience is not from God. So while the feelings we have may not be perfect, or pure, they do originate from a desire that God put into us before birth. Our problem is that we don't know just what to do with them. But sometimes it helps just to know with confidence that we arn't crazy for feeling the way we do.
That doesn't mean we should act on all these feelings, (we are fallen after all) but it does mean that most of the time they are feelings worth having. Sometimes we can act on them now, sometimes we need to wait until we understand them better, and sometimes we just need to tell ourselves that we are wrong and should not be letting ourselves feel that way at all. (Feelings from misconceptions or misunderstandings for example)
I don't know if that helps you at all. I pray it doesn't hurt anything.
A brother in Christ,
-Joshua
Please forgive me...I don't mean to be a doctrine cop, but I can't just leave it....
Perhaps you have been introduced to the idea that sin itself is nothing. As in, a lack of good. A lack of anything really, as all that God made (and He made everything) is good.
- This idea comes from ancient Greek philosophy, but not from the Bible. Sin is rebellion against our Lord and King. It is not nothing, but rather it is something.
Also, our feelings flow out of our hearts. Part of the mystery of sanctification is that our desires and loves/hates conform to those of Jesus Christ by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Just because God made everything and everything we experience is 'from Him' doesn't mean that our sin isn't necessarily the root cause of something. While I agree that we need to be patient and trust our sovereign, reigning God with our feelings and situations, that doesn't mean that the feelings are always 'worth having' (in the sense that in having them we are actively bringing glory to God).
I'll stop. I'm tired. Sorry. I just couldn't resist.
No problem at all Mr. Haas! I love it when folks poke holes through what I say! (Not sarcastic, I actually really do like it when people challenge my ideas. It means I get to learn more!)
And you are absolutely right about where these ideas come from.
Where I think we disagree is in our use of terms. I would say that to allow "nothingness" to exist in my life as a Christian is sin.
Evil is not the will of God, God did not create evil, all that God created was "good." (That one is Biblically based) So what is sin? It follows that it is something not created.
But I also have to agree with you when you define it as rebellion. That is just right, no matter how you look at it. (Thanks Augustine!)
"Also, our feelings flow out of our hearts. Part of the mystery of sanctification is that our desires and loves/hates conform to those of Jesus Christ by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Perfectly right. Bravo.
Now at this point I must admit I made a mistake. I did not mean to make it sound as though all feelings are good, and wonderful, and warm and cuddly and pure. (I'm rereading what I wrote and kicking myself now.) I really phrased that bit all wrong in my first comment.
What I meant to say is that the emotions themselves are not wrong. The motivations for them are. Sometimes. So why beat yourself up for an emotion? (Unless you act on it, obviously.) It is only a sign that you need more time with God. it is a warning, so take it as one and do something about it. But don't beat yourself up simply for having it. I think that was about it.
Thanks Mr. Haas for correcting me1
...and thank you Joshua for your response. I respect your humility and your desire to seek wisdom and truth. My prayer is that as God works in my heart I will seek and strive after wisdom and truth as well. As iron sharpens iron...
I like what you said about emotions in your last paragraph. It seems right in line with James 1:13-15 when James says, "Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God," for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death."
Desires emotions are not at the sin stage yet.
Although...Christ did say that, for example, if you commit adultery in your heart then you've already done it. How does that relate?
Hmm... a good question.
I'm afraid this is where the line would get rather thin. I would think that the diffrence I would draw would be between acknowledging a woman's beauty, ("My, what a lovely lady God has put before me! Thank you Father!) and something more sinister. There is a line there; it is a fine line, but a line none the less. Both reactions are the product of the same event, but one is a damning sin and the other a worthy response. What would you say?
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